I've really been doing an inventory of my life, habits and my compulsion to over-think everything. Some of you may relate to this train of thought and that's why I wanted to address this issue tonight. I over-think EVERYTHING! Just ask anyone who knows me personally and they will tell you very quickly that I over-analyze, over-think almost everything that is said to me or said in front of me. I also have to take several minutes, days, weeks, sometimes even months to process information and decide "how does this affect me" "is this information true" and "how do I need to respond". In other words, I've made my life far more complicated and difficult than it has to be for many, many years. I've never been one to "let things roll off of my shoulders" because, in my mind, if I miss even the smallest detail, then I'm going to make a mistake or I'll look like a fool. Yeah, I know...I sound like a WHOLE lot of fun to live with, right?
According to the dictionary, to analyze means to "examine methodically by separating into parts and studying their interrelations". Being analytical isn't a bad thing BUT when you use it the way I have, then it is not only completely self-destructive, it is also a good way to alienate people very quickly. A very good example of this would be if someone would have told me that I am beautiful. Because I believed for a long time that I was not beautiful, I would ask that person to tell me what they thought was beautiful about me. Based on their response, I would think quietly to myself for a long time to process that response. Was that person being genuine when they said it? What motive could they have had to say that to me? Was there an ulterior motive behind that statement? If so, what could it be and why? You see, I would take an innocent compliment meant to me make me feel good, completely tear it apart, and try to find something wrong with it based on my own selfish insecurities. I had done it for so long that it had become almost second nature.
I began to distrust people (most times unfairly so) for being kind to me. I thought that if a person is nice to me then there must be something that is not authentic about them. This stems back to many, many years ago from low self-esteem, being bullied as a child and putting faith into the wrong kind of people. I made many, many mistakes in my life because of it and as the years progressed, my self-worth became literally nonexistent. I convinced myself that I wasn't beautiful or intelligent. I convinced myself that I deserved to be treated like crap. I convinced myself that that was just how things were going to be. I soon found myself in this tiny box that I was too insecure to come out of because someone or something might want to hurt me. My only true friend was food. It couldn't hurt me. It didn't say or do things to make me question myself or over-analyze a situation. I mean, seriously...you really can't over-analyze a baked potato, right? I lived my life like that for a long time. I ruined friendships and relationships because of it. I never wanted to get TOO close to anyone because of these ridiculous insecurities.
But then, I learned to become a friend to my self. I started to like who I was and despite how big I was, I began to realize that I have always been, pretty, honest, loving, generous, intelligent and a damned fine person to be around which DOES make me beautiful. I realized I have a fantastic sense of humor and that it's okay to let things roll off of my shoulders because IT DOESN'T MATTER what other people think of me! If I was ever going to change my life, it had to be FOR ME and no one else! I make my own destiny; no one else. I couldn't look at losing weight as if that was going to make other people love me more. I had to look at losing weight as a way for me to improve on what was already great in the first place! I had to take back control over my life, stop doubting myself, STOP MAKING MYSELF THE VICTIM, quit the whining, put my big girl panties on, and make the biggest decision of my life. That decision was to be healthy - mind, body and soul. My mind is in the right place, my body is slowly but surely getting there and my soul couldn't be better!
My want for you, if you can relate to any of this, is that it is okay to analyze information, just be prepared to analyze yourself first, learn to love yourself and if there is even the smallest thing in your life that you believe you need to work on, then do it. Stop doubting yourself, stop allowing others to doubt you because it doesn't matter, and become that person you want to be. Refuse to believe that "this is just how it has to be" and change it. No matter what you've been through in your life, no matter what anyone has ever said that was negative to you or about you, no matter how hard you think this change is going to be, YOU ARE WORTH IT, MY FRIEND! You owe it to yourself to stop blaming others and take responsibility for the things you have the ability and control to change. All you have to do is want it enough and do it. No more excuses!
Thank you again for continuing to read my blog!